It is a frightening possibility that, on May 2nd,
Londoners could wake up to find they have an extreme right-wing Tory as Mayor
of London. This is a truly scary scenario. Opinion polls show Boris the
Bumbling Buffoon – whom most regarded as a joke candidate when he threw his hat
into the ring – is creeping up on Ken.
|David Cameron and Boris Johnson|
Boris has the support of the Evening Standard and the
Standard Group’s freebie evening papers. The Standard is known as a right-wing
rag, and has waged a relentless campaign against Ken and his close
collaborators on the GLA. Some may justifiably say Ken’s moonlighting as the
Standard’s restaurant reviewer was a serious error of judgement, to put it
However, let’s take a look at what his blond, bicycling General
Pinochet-badge-wearing rival stands for. Well, heavy on rhetoric but thin on
substance. He will clean up London’s streets, abolish crime, get people to work
on time. Yes, London will be happy paradise where we all live happily.
Transport workers will no longer want to go on strike, because they will
be……well, happy. Teenagers will no longer stab other teenagers because they
will also be happy. Happy middle-class families will happily travel through the
streets of London in their 4x4s once the tyrannical House of Ken is brought
tumbling down – damned Bolsheviks!
Some have hinted that behind Boris’s outward buffoonery lies
a razor-sharp political brain. Hmmm.
Let’s just take a quick look at his policies on public
transport. Yes, let’s. Only they seem to change by the day. ‘Bring back the Routemaster!’
was his opening clarion call. Yes, that beloved, iconic London symbol.
Remember? Those buses where you froze your arse off in winter. Where you risked
a sudden and ignominious death if you happened to be standing on the platform
when the bus moved off. Oops. Someone must have whispered in his ear that maybe
it wasn’t such a great idea after all. So, what are people complaining about?
Oh, yes. People sometimes get assaulted on buses and teenagers get all gobby on
their way home from school. So bring back the conductor! That figure of
authority, the big, tough geezer with muscles and tattooes will scare them. Nay. Maybe that won’t work.
Some of them might be puny. Some might even be women – and feminists! Boris
can’t stand feminists. Even, even…some might be “picaninnies with watermelon
smiles” (to quote Boris on black people). No, that won’t do at all. A police
officer! Yes, a police officer on the top deck of every bus! Well done, Boris!
We can see how you deserved your place at Oxford.
There will be no more strikes on public transport once Boris
is elected. RMT, Unite and Aslef
members please note: you will no longer have the luxury of losing pay and standing around on picket lines in the freezing cold under Boris. He’s not
having it. It’s boring.
And what about affordable housing, or ‘shacks for chavs’ as
Boris lovingly refers to it? Well, you can forget that. There’s no way he’s
going to tell his entrepreneurial mates to listen to the GLA, bunch of commies,
telling them they need to provide houses for people who are too lazy to go out
and make millions like they do.
We hear on the grapevine that Boris rent his garments and
smothered himself in ashes when he learned his muse, the lovely, cuddly
Baroness Thatcher had been admitted to hospital. We also rent our garments when
we learned the following day that she’d been discharged and was still alive and
Brothers and sisters, get your workmates, family,
neighbours and friends out to vote Labour on May 1st. If they tell
you they hate the New Labour government and don’t much like capitalism,
privatisation and Iraqi kids and British squaddies being blown to bits so
they’d have to hold their nose, offer to hold it for them.